he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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