I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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