I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
