youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Randomize
