I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Randomize
