so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Randomize
