The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
