he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
