The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
