btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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