You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
