I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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