I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
