i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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