He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
