why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
