Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
