how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
