Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
