my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
