Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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