I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
