New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
