We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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