I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
