so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
