My hand turned me down
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
