ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.