between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.