Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
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Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
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But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.