peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
25 People Confess Their Favorite Way To Annoy Their Significant Other
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
These 21 Women Share What Sexual Harassment In The Military Is Really Like
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?