I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.