I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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