The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
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