i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
