all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
