i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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