apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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