Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
