don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
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I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
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So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize