nut hugger
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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