when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
