just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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