the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
