so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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