I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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