no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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