Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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