what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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