"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
