I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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