Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
