i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
