brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
It's rum buckets o'clock
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
