Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
