I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
