your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
