guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
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My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
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Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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