i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
