So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
