New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
