so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
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After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
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This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.