you guys were way drunker than both of me
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
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making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
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Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.