Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
