I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
