i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
