....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.